“I just thought it was interesting how everyone exploded, calling her a bold-faced liar and saying there is no comparison when there clearly is a comparison because we’re all comparing it.”
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“Over here the bubbles just sit on beanbag chairs and flip you off when you ask them to vote.”
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“I’m not a hasbian or a yestergay, I’m a nowcoholic. I live for today!”
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“Eat a salad of venus fly traps, and pineapples. And beetles. The salad that eats you back. Try to eat it first. And coral reef.”
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“You do really bad things like not buying novelty stuffed tree sloths. What a terrible person.”
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“There are probably pockets of farmers holding guns and just refusing to change their clocks.”
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“Most sensible people and well-read elephants understand this already”
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“I don’t think that movie’s probably popular anymore because of the retarded Michael Keaton.”
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“We don’t need you to come in. We know what your nipples look like. I’ve got them memorized. They haunt my nightmares. I can no longer make love to my wife.”
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“I did the math using common core and, from what I can tell, you owe me seven tomatoes and also four tomatoes and two tomatoes and six tomatoes.”
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