“I feel like I’m not running for president but, then again, I’m not running for president.”

“I enjoy my orange juice pulpit-free.”

“LGBTQRXYZAB̈CDE无尽的悲伤FGHÏJK̈LMNÖP”

“The Flea and The Fly in The Soup”

“Climb Morgan Freeman’s enlarged face!”

“I don’t want you aiming your zone at my children! My children are eating giblets and vitamins right now.”

“My solution is just not to look at cat anuses”

“The last time I saw a cat anus was probably over a month ago – you know why? Because I have a neck. I can look away.”

“Well I think it’s like a chimpanzee ripping your fingers, jaws, and genitals off. They don’t know exactly what they’re doing, they just know it feels good.”

“Hey! I didn’t make it up although I did just make it up.”

“In this case I actually did my muthafuckin research”

“Exactly. I was one flim-flam pissed off nignog.”

“No pun intended pun intended later in the story”

“I came right out of the 50s looking like a shiny penny! Worthless in the 21st century!”

“Abstinent bear gives zero fucks”

“Maybe we could interact satanically through our cats. Like if we turned them into a portal.”

“Hydraulic my ass!”

“Now that we’ve put the douche into the lexicon how do we get it out?”

“All aboard! Pulling into the molestation!”

“Honey sucralose agave child… please.”

Podcast: Play in new window | Download