“I don’t think that movie’s probably popular anymore because of the retarded Michael Keaton.”

“You’re not fat yet but your attitude is.”

“My breast milk was valuable, but not my poop? This sounds like a double standard.”

“What are you gonna do with that? What are you building a machine out of teeth?”

“I don’t think he’s gonna live long… Hey kids, come look at this!”

“You imbecile! …I just realized I was yelling at my computer speaker like it was a microphone. I’m used to it being on the right. It’s on the left now.”

“Fortunately I don’t just instinctually pet things that clutch me.”

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