“I was shaming myself amongst the northern lights…”

“Full blown whore”

“You have to have real friends to be like ‘That was out of line. That was dumb. Don’t do that.’” – “And you have to have real strangers to tell you ‘You’re a douchebag. I don’t know you.’”

“That’s what twinder’s all about: Swatting people aside like cats. You don’t have a swipe you have a swat.”

“North Whoresland: Where all the whores and horses is”

“I felt like I was miniaturized and sleeping on a billiard table where the bumpers were cats.”

“If I had to choose one word to describe most soap dispensers it’s ‘rib-cagey’. I think most people would agree.”

“Rip Cage Bacon”

“Biweekly I will clean a quarter of my apartment. Then I will tucker out and sit down.”

“That’s why when I have kids I’m going to sign the bastardization papers. I think that’s a thing, right? I think that all those deadbeat dads, they do sign official papers, right? Deadbeating them of any involvement. Something like that – The Deadbeat Clause.”

“Was it muzzling whores that offended you?”

“Additionally, you know, to get things back on track, I am accessing a stockpile of frozen turds… out of my freezer, to throw in there. To make it nice and cold and make it scatalogical. Scatillogical.”

“If I go down the slippery slope headfirst maybe I can convince myself I’m sliding up.”

“There are probably plinko pegs in the slippery slope”

“The burning fires of hell for gingers is just the sun on a sunny day.”

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