“Everything will be sophisticated except to the extent that it sounds like a broken retard talking to you”

“There’s no guarantee that the chicken or the egg will come at all”

“Do judge a book by its hat”

“Make Secrets Great Again”

“We want to know how you feel. But we want you to say it how you don’t feel.”

“A severely retarded advantage”

“We’re not fighting evil. We’re fighting stupid.”

“Laws, when applied topically to guns, will affect the area and reduce redness and swelling.”

“Less like a monologue, more like a window smashed into someone’s face”

“Trump’s hair is basically like an animal trying to get his head pregnant with the thoughts”

“Research came out… that it’s gay.”

“I like the word ‘euthanize’ because it sounds like you’re going to make something younger but it’s actually the opposite.”

“Is it considered a shart when I do it on purpose to remember and remind myself that I’m alive?”

“Hey. Everyone. Stop taking fucking selfies in Auschwitz.”

“It wasn’t till the 90’s that the dictionary was made public”

“Politicians are two super horny Japanese girls and we are the yolk that they’re passing between their mouths.”

“Look at Mike Pence. He does a pretty good job of being shaped like a pencil… and being named like a pencil.”

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