“I’m not a hasbian or a yestergay, I’m a nowcoholic. I live for today!”

“If I was a broccoli floret I would be ready to serve because I am steamed! To perfection!”

“You have some elementary-aged kids. They would benefit highly from looking at a grown man’s colon for the better part of an hour.”

“Just watching a couple gay dudes tear apart a chicken with their bare hands. What’s wrong with that? Perfectly legal. Perfectly adult. That’s what I do with my Sundays. This is my church.”

“A tiger would be like at least cleaning itself up there. Or menacing you casually.”

“Badeah badeah badeah badeah I’m in jail folks!”

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