“Mulligans are for golfers and hobos”

“A homeopathically thinned out Cheech and Chong added to a full-strength Shia Labeouf”

“The satan of improv”

“Spiders are the original 3D printers”

“One out of every one hundred jokes is adorable – not related to feces or racism, or what I like to call ‘fracism’.”

“We’re gonna alienate some of your rights… and some of your lefts for that matter. We’re gonna even ya out.”